"I didn't like what I saw in the mirror"

Two of my boys were born over 11 and 14 years ago, one by emergency caesarean and one naturally (VBAC) without pain relief. So with the third, being older and a long time between pregnancies I felt everything earlier this pregnancy. The weight, the hot and itchy veins, the painful ligament stretching and I was more tired, though I did manage to fully train at F45 up until 7 months. I was also scared that I might not love him or want him, or what if I forgot what to do, it’d been so long??

I’ll be honest, I mostly disliked being pregnant, I didn’t feel beautiful or sexy, in the end I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, I didn’t let Shane see me naked in the last two trimesters either. I couldn’t move the same let alone train and that frustrated me too, I envy those women that get that “pregnancy glow”, for me it was more just a sweat.

I had initially felt selfishly decided that when I got pregnant, I wanted a caesarean, but when we finally did fall pregnant I changed my mind. I felt bad choosing a caesarean and I didn’t want to rob Shane of the natural birth experience, seeing me s**t myself was all part of the fun right. I was prepared for him to see me at my absolute worst, swollen, veiny, bleeding with giant leaking boobs and areolas the size of a side plate, on all fours and pushing out what feels like the biggest s**t you’ll ever take.

However, our midwife Marlies recommended Emma at Full Circle Physio for a pelvic assessment, so after Emma had a good poke around and a lovely chat, she concluded I’d actually experienced a grade 2 prolapse from the natural birth. Now I was unaware I’d had any issues, I mean I wouldn’t go jumping on a tramp… I’d wee my pants for sure, but this came as a bit of a surprise. 

So I was referred to the obstetrician, from there I was back to decided on having a caesarean. Healing from a caesarean over 6 weeks may be less risky than having another natural birth, tearing and causing more permanent damage that would be harder to fix. I’ve become quite fond of my vagina over the years, we’ve had some good times and I’m happy to keep it that way.

C day arrives, the day I’m booked for the caesarean and reality kicks in. Having a planned caesarean is so much more intimidating than an emergency one. You have all the time in the world to think about it, and sitting in hospital the morning of, waiting for the surgeon to call us in made me anxious as hell. By the time I’d changed into my gown, compression tights and hair net all I could think about was the size of the needle for the spinal injection.

By the time the team of 16 (including surgeons, midwife, obstetricians, nurses, anaesthetists) had prepped me, I was lying numb from chest down, naked with my legs spread for all the world (or at least the team of 16) to see. 

Ps they numbed my back before the spinal, so didn’t feel a thing, phew!

The next part seemed horrific, though I felt no pain, I felt every single push, pull and cut of removing Ovie. It was like an out of body experience feeling them rummaging around inside me and I could see them operating on me in the reflection of the glass cabinet, so I had to look away. 

When Shane finally had Ovie in his arms beside me I cried, as a feeling of happiness but horror was overwhelming me. I had to wait for them to stich me up and finish before I could actually focus on Ovie and Shane. But as soon as they were done and I had him in my arms, all my fears of being a mum again were gone. I instantly fell in love with Ovie, mum instincts kicked in, and everything I’d been through during pregnancy and surgery was worth it.

You know, it doesn’t actually matter how they arrive into this world, natural or caesarean, home birth or hospital, pain relief or not, it’s hard emotionally and physically regardless. As long as you choose what’s right for you (and you may not even have a choice) your baby will be fine whichever way.

And whether you love your baby before, when or weeks after they arrive that’s completely normal too, in the end you will love them unconditionally regardless.

It’s also normal to love your body while pregnant, just as it’s normal not to love it. One thing we can’t deny though, is how incredible our bodies are to grow a perfect, tiny human and for that, the least we can do is love, respect and look after our body.

So ladies, you do you – your way, it’s your body, you got this.